Esperar

Over the months I’ve had a few faithful followers inquire about when I would blog again. Going on 48 hours trapped in my small apartment due to the ice storm seems like as good a time as any!

Snow days are wonderful when you’re trapped with roommates; they’re miserably boring when you’re by yourself. My fiancé knows as well as anyone that when extroverts like me are left to their own vices we get lazy, lethargic, and apathetic. He wisely texted me last night inquiring just how many Friends episodes I’d plowed through. Perhaps to tease me and my addiction, perhaps to lovingly and gently remind me to be a wise steward of my time. Gosh I am blessed!

Luckily, and through the grace of God, I had just started my first episode (since then I’m only up to three). I’ve been praying lately that God would take my sloth and turn it into productivity. In other words, turning off the tube in favor of a good book, quiet time, listening to sermons, catching up with friends on the phone, and the like.

And true to God’s form, the second I set aside the sin of sloth, muting incessant music and/or television in my room, I could hear His voice loud and clear. This morning I was reading a book where a young girl came to this realization that to wait and to hope are the same word in Spanish – esperar. She originally thought this was coincidental, and then questioned… are waiting and to hope really the same thing? As long as you are waiting, you still have hope, right? This really got my wheels going.

I am waiting. And hoping. Waiting to marry the love of my life and hoping the 100 days left will freaking go faster!! Waiting to be a wife and hoping I’ll be good at it. Waiting to move to Chicago and hoping (and praying) that God is already preparing a church, friends, and a home for Tom and me there. Waiting to hear back from all these darn schools I’ve applied to and hoping someone likes my application enough to hire me.

Still, I can’t help but feel like the two words cannot be used interchangeably by most of us today. Or at least me. Waiting seems to imply impatience and negativity, whereas being hopeful describes more of a joyful anxiety. Even as I described the list above of things I’m waiting and hoping for, I realized that the two words may be synonymous, but when put together the only thing they mean is unfaithfulness.

That’s not to say there can’t be a healthy dose of hope, excitement, and anticipation for a marriage and new phase of life. But my waiting and hoping tends to play out in the form of anxiety and worry. Rather than delighting in my current engagement with Tom I flock to friends who will commiserate with me about the pains of wedding planning. They’re obviously other engaged women. Who but us could sympathize with each-others woes? Oh you poor women, you get to plan the most romantic day of your life with the man of your dreams. That sounds awful!

Tim Reeves, Tom and my associate pastor from High Rock Church explained to me a few weeks ago that engagement is the worst part of dating and married life combined. Ouch! Yeah, budgeting for the wedding is stressful, registering is no picnic, and cutting guest list after guest list is less than fun, but we’re getting married!!! I sometimes get so wrapped up in how excited I am to be Tom’s wife that I forget what a blessing it is to just be his fiancé. We’ll never have this phase of life again.

On top of all the other frustration that comes with being engaged, for a Christian couple there’s the added struggle of purity. Contrary to secular belief, we Christians are not a-sexual. We have desires like everyone else and particularly when you’re so close to marriage, it becomes harder and harder to draw that line in the sand. It’s easy to justify, “But we will be husband and wife soon,” “We are getting married.” A good friend of mine and accountability partner the other day was discussing similar frustrations in her life and shared with me the wise words of her fiancé, “We should be thankful for this trial and seek to embrace it. We are never in our lives going to be able to honor the Lord with this kind of a trial again; to remain faithful to the Lord despite our youthful passions. It is a gift, and we can honor the Lord so well with it if we fight.” Amen!

I think that is my favorite part about this waiting time, and the fact that Tom and I have “waited” our whole lives for each other and marriage. Our world doesn’t value waiting patiently anymore. We want instant gratification. We have e-mail, facebook, text message, instant mashed potatoes. We don’t have to wait for anything anymore, and when we are forced to wait, we act like it’s an abomination to spare 15 minutes of our lives in line or on hold.

The point is; waiting doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Maybe the good ole Spaniards had it right and waiting and hoping do mean the same thing, it’s us who has tainted their meaning. Rather than anxiously waiting and hoping that the Lord will provide for Tom and my marriage and my ability as a counselor and a wife, I want to joyfully expect that will be the case. Then all the time and energy I spend worrying about the future now can be spent loving and adoring on my wonderful fiancé. Enjoying our engagement. And if we can enjoy the worst part of dating and marriage combined?? Well then I think that means we have a pretty blessed future ahead of us.

Don’t believe me? When God uses the word “wait” I can’t help but sense more of a positive, patience in His words.

“I wait for your salvation, O Lord.” Genesis 49:19

“And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.” Romans 8:23

“But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

And one of my favorite memory verses:

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:25-34

So whatever you’re waiting for, whatever you’ve been waiting your whole life for. Remember that waiting is a gift. And have hope; wait for it patiently, and eagerly. The same way we wait for the salvation of the Lord and our redemptive bodies.

Esperar. I’ve been waiting/hoping my whole life for Tom. Perhaps it’s fitting we’ll begin our lives together and stop all the “waiting” in Mexico. :)