I’ve been absent from the blogging world for a good while, and while multiple people have come to me lately asking why, or when I’d write again, I struggled to sift through my laundry list of reasons and excuses to give a satisfying, even Godly rationale for where I’ve been.
It’s been the most incredible and incredibly challenging semester I’ve had in years. After a tumultuous 9 days in Africa, I was ill-prepared for everything that was about to happen to me back at home.
Somewhere throughout the years of friends graduating, getting married, getting real jobs in other cities, I didn’t realize nearly every close female friend I’d made throughout college was gone. Save a precious handful. I was in a new neighborhood, a new apartment, with a new roommate, a new job, a new group of girls to lead, a new Bible study, and a new church.
And because I’m an over-analytic girl studying to be even more analytical, I have my personality down to a tee. I’m an odd combination of an independent extrovert. I love large groups and absolutely cannot stand an empty apartment. I derive energy from others and am absolutely crippled from productivity when I’m by myself. At the same time, I rarely like to be bothered. I like my door shut. I like my mouth shut. For the most part I want to keep my thoughts to myself, I just like observing and listening. That invigorates me, trying to stir up conversation with new friends, or being in new environment drains me beyond belief, and culminates in near-daily tension migraines.
So, I’ve been busy adjusting.
Busy feeling like a failure.
Busy becoming aware of my glaring sin.
Busy trying to be more like Christ.
Busy trying to understand how to give myself, and those around me, grace.
And busy falling in love.
God is so good, and despite the trying semester of newness I’ve had, he granted me one constant to help me through every twist, turn, and dark alley. In the last 2.5 years my feelings for Tom are the only thing that never changed. He’s been the most incredible stronghold for me to lean on through every headache, literal or not. He’s shown me steadfast love and has supported me through every doubt and fear, and encouraged me to believe truth over all the enemy’s lies. He loves me just the way I am and too much to stay that way. He shows me grace, and yet he isn’t afraid to push me out of my comfort zone and introduce me to more new people, experiences, and feelings. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Tom can’t be put into words, and yet as I tried, I loved that the words I used to characterize Tom quickly reminded me of words in scripture used to characterize God.
“My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior.” 2 Samuel 22:33
“Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!” Psalm 118:1
I love Jesus, and Tom’s the closest man I’ve found to him. Hence therefore, I love Tom. :) He’s the perfect example of confident humility. Confident enough to lead, and humble enough to get mad at me for saying he’s anywhere close to Jesus.
.......
I could chalk up my lack of blogging to any one of those excuses about how busy I’ve been. They’re all true. But if I’m being completely honest, I’ve been far busier doing other things.
I was busy rebelling.
Busy performing.
Busy acting.
Busy brushing God aside and attempting to reach perfection and lead others to perfection all by myself.
Attempting to fix all the flaws in my own life takes an incredible amount of time, energy, shame, and guilt. Quite the price to pay for something that was already bought for me. But I’ve never been good at excepting gifts.
The funny thing is, most of my seemingly innate talents seemed to fly out the window once I showed God the door. A true sign all my talents are manifested from God and a gift from the Holy Spirit. When the Spirit wasn’t present, neither were they.
Instead of returning to Him, this caused me to fight harder and rebel further. Throughout the semester I’ve fallen in love with this chapter from Isaiah. I couldn’t understand why. I loved the way it sounded, but couldn’t figure out how Israel’s rebellion applied to my life. I gave up writing about God in blogs so I could write my own life. I was the rebel.
“For they are a rebellious people, lying children, children unwilling to hear the instruction of the Lord; who say to the seers, “Do not see,” and to the prophets, “Do not prophesy to us what is right; speak to us smooth things, prophesy illusions, leave the way, turn aside from the path,let us hear no more about the Holy One of Israel.” Therefore thus says the Holy One of Israel, “Because you despise this word and trust in oppression and perverseness and rely on them therefore this iniquity shall be to you like a breach in a high wall, bulging out, and about to collapse, whose breaking comes suddenly, in an instant; and its breaking is like that of a potter's vessel that is smashed so ruthlessly that among its fragments not a shard is found with which to take fire from the hearth, or to dip up water out of the cistern.”
For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.” But you were unwilling, and you said, “No! We will flee upon horses”; therefore you shall flee away; and, “We will ride upon swift steeds”; therefore your pursuers shall be swift. A thousand shall flee at the threat of one; at the threat of five you shall flee, till you are left like a flagstaff on the top of a mountain, like a signal on a hill.
Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.”Isaiah 30:9-18
I’ve been aware that God has been showing me things and teaching me things all semester. But I didn’t want to see. I wasn’t ready to deal with everything. I wanted to continue to hear “smooth” things, or loosely translated, I wanted to continue to hear what I wanted to hear.
There was a day in my kitchen I remember halfheartedly wrestling with God in all the newness of the semester, I read this part of Isaiah 30 and knew it was significant, but became too busy putting away dishes to ask God what it all meant. I dried our large glass bowl and set it on the shelf, and before I knew what was happening, it had toppled over and shattered into literally hundreds of tiny shards.
I immediately thought of the verse and was awestruck that as shattered and broken as that bowl was, God says when we rebel we will be smashed so fiercely not a shard will be found.
We are sinful by nature. As comfortable as the old is, we must be made new. We’re all cracked pots who spend our lives attempting to fill ourselves up rather than choosing to drink from the living water that never runs dry. We are broken by nature, the difference is, God sets us free by breaking us the rest of the way, and he does it in a way that leaves no messy pieces. When the devil breaks us down, he leaves broken glass everywhere, sure to injure anyone who encounters us.
And even after this eye-opening episode I didn’t return and rest in quietness. I ran. I fled on horses. Yet the faster I ran, the faster my pursuers ran (Isaiah 30:16).
So I pitied myself and complained to all those around me who would listen. I felt attacked, and victimized and wondered why God had seemed to abandon me. I failed to see my own cause.
Then I stumbled upon this verse:
“You have seen the wrong done to me, judge my cause.” Lamentations 3:59
Praise God that He waits to be gracious to us! In all my impatient rants and expectations and planning over the semester, I imagine God sitting on His thrown with a wry, loving smile, waiting to be gracious to me. No matter how rebellious I’ve been, or for how long.
In my journey to imitate Christ I focused more on attaining perfection than seeking to be like He who is already perfect, and died on the cross to grant me undeserved grace, which covers my imperfection.
At least I did have one thing right. I rebelled. Jesus was a rebel, too, but without a cause.
