Dear Studly Men of God

It's been far too long since I've posted anything. Unfortunately, intensive five-week grad classes take up too much time for me to blog. I have a back-logged list of ideas, but until then, I plan on posting some old stuff I've written. For some reason God has led me back to my archives lately and I've learned a lot. I read some works and am shocked and impressed that I actually had some Godly wisdom back in the day. Other times I'm a little embarrassed how off base I was, but can rejoice in God's mercy that He's rescued me from so many false idols.

My senior year of college I led a group of junior women in Bible study, and spend some time with them studying what it meant to be a woman of God. To do so, I challenged many of my brothers to write us letters, encouraging us for what we do well but holding us accountable for things we could do better. This is Christian women in general... not just my girls. The response was incredible.

As a thank you, my girls and I brainstormed and responded with a letter for them. A letter addressed to our Christian brothers, encouraging them for what they do well, but challenging them in areas they could do better.

-------

Dear Studly Men of God :)

There is much to be said about the relationship between a brother and sister. Perhaps no men are as protective of the women in their lives as a “big bro” is to his “li’l sis.” Brothers have a kind of furious love for their sisters, wanting nothing but the best for them and going to the ends of the earth to make sure they are always protected and cared for.

The love between a Christian brother and sister is not so different. And we are so blessed to have so many big brothers, constantly looking out for us. You bless the women in your lives with your thoughtful and protective nature. In a world where women are constantly objectified, we all find refuge and shelter in men like you. Men who walk girls to their cars no matter how far away or what hour, men who give up their seats, who let women go before them in line, who hold open doors, and who walk on the side of traffic, just to be safe. Men who don’t whistle at girls, but instead offer simple but heartfelt compliments.

As women, we constantly feel that we are not enough or are too much, all at the same time. You are always there to not only accept us… but to point us to the only One who matters. You offer us all such unconditional, Christ-like affection, loving us just the way we are, but too much to let us stay that way.

Similarly, sisters see their brothers at their best and their worst, and love them anyway. A sister is her brother’s witness. She is his partner in crime, agent, biggest fan, teacher, defense attorney, and his shrink. Still, some days, a sister is the reason a brother wishes he was an only child.

And for those times, we not only apologize, but offer this letter to help you understand what Relient K refers to as, “the complex infrastructure known as the female mind.”

When Adam Met Eve (The Original Harry and Sally)

The question posed was what Christian men could do to better serve us, as Christian women. First and foremost, your answer is baked into the question. “Be a man of God.” Us women can, and will, regal you with all kinds of other guidelines and ideas about how to act towards us, how to love us well, etc. But to be honest, all of that comes second to you loving the Lord (Matthew 22:37-39).

God created us for you! And of course, to glorify God. But listen to his words in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” How amazing is that, that God created us as the perfect compliment to you? That where we are weak, you are strong, but that the opposite is true as well. Where you shine in strength and courage, we meet you with grace and compassion. And where we lack in hope you meet us with perseverance. That means that second to needing God, we need YOU!

We want to be your friends. You have such a different perspective on God and life than we do, and we need that. We sincerely want to hear about how you’re doing, we want to pray for you and with you. We want to engage in conversation with you that goes deeper than discussing the latest episode of The Office. However, anyone who has seen When Harry Met Sally knows how difficult it is for a man and a woman to be “real” friends. We do believe these relationships are possible, but they can be hard work, and are sometimes tricky.

Use caution with giving us too much attention or spending much one-on-one time with us, as we can (and will) probably take that the wrong way. That being said, don’t be afraid to invite us along when a group is planning on getting together. Solid, wonderful, God-glorifying friendships can grow between a guy and girl, but “the friend zone” is not a place you can get to overnight. If you try, we will probably mistake you “just being a good guy,” for you “being a cute boy that is totally into us.”

When You’re Just Not That Into Us

There is nothing so encouraging to us women as the unconditional way that men accept each other. That is not to say that you don’t have your differences, but you all rise above it in a manner most women only dream of. Perhaps without knowing it you all live and breathe Paul’s explanation that “love keeps no record of wrongs…”

If there is one thing Christian women are envious of men for, it is same-sex friendships. Most of you love manly bonding time. We, on the other hand, often respond to “girl’s nights” with shrill screams and complete and utter horror.

We are constantly battling pettiness, jealousy, gossip, and slanderous remarks that destroy female fellowship. It is an age-old story for a woman to spend most of her time surrounded by men because it is only among them that she feels she can truly be herself. Your example is a constant encouragement for us to work on our own same-sex friendships. As women, we could all take note of the inviting love you show nearly everyone you meet.

That being said, while it is important for both you and us to have time and fellowship apart from each other, Christian guys sometimes get so wrapped up in manly bonding that you not only rejoice at the thought of not having girls around, but often scoff when we come back into the picture. We are so glad that time with your brothers is so amazing, but be careful not to discourage your female friends while praising the males in your lives.

The Romance of Dance

The Bible doesn’t provide a one-size-fits-all program for us. Our lives are too different, our circumstances too unique, and our God too creative to have only one formula for romance. The same is true for dancing. There is the waltz, tango, foxtrot, rumba, and swing, to name a few. The dances often look nothing alike; coming from various cultures and consisting of vastly different steps. However all dances share a certain set of rules. Without these rules, the dance would be a devastating challenge.

The man starts on his left foot, and the woman starts on her right. The man always leads. He is supposed to lead her to the point that she is almost blindly following him. Now, let’s superimpose the idea of relationships into this image. When a man will not step up and lead in the dance, the woman is blinded as to where they are going. Don’t misunderstand us; while it is natural for women to be lead in the dance and in relationships, we are not saying it is up to you to do all the work. A woman must know her own steps or it doesn’t matter how well you lead. Likewise, there are times when women have to correct their dance partners for not leading or for leading the wrong way. Sometimes if the woman does not stand up and say something she would be lead astray.

One of the most common complaints of women is that the guys they are dancing with rarely hold them like they are supposed to. This means that you must be firm, but not hurt her. In leading the women that are in your lives, please be considerate of us and be gentle. Hold the women in your lives like you would something that is precious—tight enough that you won’t drop her, but loose enough that you will not break her.

Timidity is something often associated with guys when it comes to both dancing and relationships. It takes courage to be the one who leads. It makes you vulnerable to one of your greatest fears… failure. Being timid means to be insecure, afraid, to lack confidence. Timidity is present when one has not mastered their art.

Dancing is awkward when either party is out of step. It is awkward for the guy (we would imagine) when a girl is taking more initiative than him. And it’s awkward for the girl when she is having to lead. This is often the result of one, or both partners, attempting to dance before getting the proper lessons. And, since it is up to you gentlemen to do the asking, it would help us out a lot if you not ask us to dance until you are ready to do so (i.e. are no longer timid). We’re not asking you to be perfect, but if you have not taken the time to learn the way the Creator of the dance meant for it to look, thing start to get messy. And worse, painful.

Partners can bump heads and step on each other’s toes. Ask almost any girl and she will probably have more than one story about the bruises she’s received after being “dropped” mid-dance by a guy that asked her to dance before he was ready (or knew how) to catch her.

Now, that may have been hard to follow, so we’ll exit the dance floor now and explain further:
Where you all struggle with physical lust, we match you with emotional lust. We do certainly struggle in sins of the flesh, but our sin more often lies in giving our hearts away. And while it is our job to guard our hearts, we need your help.

Please, please, please do not ask to pursue us if you are not ready. That’s not to say that you need to be ready to propose on the first date, far from it. It does mean that if you are not ready to be in a relationship or aren’t sure of your feelings, then we ask you keep them to yourselves until you better know what you desire. When you act on these feelings without prayer or wise council, you are doing more harm than good to the girl you think is so-darn-cute. Take Solomon’s advice, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires”(Song of Songs 2:7).

Be cautious still, even if you are ready to date us. You may have sought the Lord in your decision, but if we’re struggling to guard our hearts before things are “official,” you can imagine how much harder it is when we are in a satisfying relationship. It is very easy for women to turn their significant other into an idol and hold him above God in their lives. We do love to be romanced, we like compliments and your affection. But please help us to see that our identity should be in the Lord, and it is His approval and love that matters.

For those of you who have not been scared away by this letter, and are still set on pursuing that wonderful lady... take a look at Jim Elliot's story of how he pursued his wife. He made romance raw, bold, and adventurous. Men should strive to be like that, on the dance floor and in the relationship. Men should pursue women like Christ pursued the church, vigorously and with all of their heart.

Our challenge is this: Brothers, lead like you would when you are dancing. Don’t lead us astray, running into items or other people that cause conflict. Rather, lead us in the way the dance of life was meant to be stepped. And of course… leave room for the Holy Spirit. :)

Love,
Your Sisters

“Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers,
and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.” 1 Timothy 5:1-2